You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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