Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you would pick up someone in the library
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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