ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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