I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
