your parents love me but you hate me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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