it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
