I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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