We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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