I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
