i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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