I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
