How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
