She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
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Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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