Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
