i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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