ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
