i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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