i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
