The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
