Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
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I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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