are you still at the devil's house?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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