that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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