if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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