Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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