i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
