I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
drinking out of a sandbucket again
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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