it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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