So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
