I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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