Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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