i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
