don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
