I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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