Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
