I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I looked at my own cervix.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
