she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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