So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
