It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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