I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
