Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
