come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
