im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
