Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
