i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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