I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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