He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize