Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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