You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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