Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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