We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
