dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
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I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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