Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
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He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
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Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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