Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
