I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
