rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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