Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
